Heart Space #19: Just don't force me anymore

I had it up to my neck. Enough is enough. I am so at the edge, that I can't even guarantee what I would do beyond this cliff of mine.

I am strained 3 ways between my parents, my wife, and my work. I have been doing this tender balancing act for the longest time, and the pressure has always been on me. I really do not want to consciously tread carefully around the premises that I call home. If I have to, what kind of home is that? Everyone is so self centered, putting their own priorities up front, when the most important person of all is so obvious? Why can't we all see that there's really no one out to harm Faith, intentionally, and everyone from the bottom of their hearts want the best for their daughter, grandchild? Can't we live happily and manage towards this common goal? Why can't we see each other contributions, instead of harping on what's wrong in the past? Nobody likes everyone, and nobody is liked by everyone. Does anyone ever spare a thought for me; their son, their husband?

Really, what's so difficult? It aches my very heart, that of all people, my immediate family can't see eye to eye. Many a times, I came across news of losing their loved ones, sick child, bed ridden parents, a guy who sold everything to cure his wife's cancer. Does any one of you give thanks daily? I never believed till recently, I have been giving thanks daily; for the roof above my head, for the lovely food that many yearn; for a healthy family; for a wonderful baby; for wonderful colleagues, of course being well alive to enjoy all these, among many other things...most recently of all, strength.

Today, my friend told me that she only gets to see her under-nourished 3 months old baby three times a week (Wednesday and weekend). This is because her mother-in-law simply refuses to let her have her baby more often. To add the suffering, the husband listens to his mum completely, and agrees with this "wrongdoing". I strongly believe a baby should spend more time with the parents, and my aim has always been this; Be fair, be really objective and do not take sides.

Again, I felt fortunate, that I get to see Faith every single day possible.

Are things as bad?!?! Did anything say to themselves, ever, "For Edwin's sake?". This could jolly well be my last blog entry. I have no home to go to, not my marital home, not my paternal home. Where is my fortress of solitude... Like I said, there's only so much I can take... and I know for sure, once I crossed that line... ... ...

Heart Space #18: Not Particularly Proud

Last week, I pulled a leaf from the Sun Tzu Art of War to achieve something for one of my client. I had no other choice for things have been stagnant for ages and there have been no breakthrough for weeks. I find it so hard to deal with someone who had mix personal emotions with work, and practically with no support from my management.

The plan worked, and though I was happy that it did, I can't help but feel more ashamed of myself.. More ashamed that I have to exercise the plan through another person, for it would not have work if I done it myself. In business, trickery and mind games are part and parcel of fighting a war, but does anyone care about the process or only about who won the war?

To my client, they would have gotten what they wanted, but they will never know at what price; for it's a weight that will weigh me down for a long long time. I wish I never have to do such things again, the first and last time of my life.

Thank you lambchop, I really hope you know it was nothing more than just a ploy.